Success as an adult was built around a system with set guidelines and milestones. These milestones signaled societal progress and included a marriage, a consistent job, and a position of power in the workplace. These markers were not merely personal achievements, they were social validation of living life the right way.

A social construct of success was not an active decision of an individual, but rather an inheritance success framed in the informal conversations, the family’s expectations, workplace ethics, and the success narratives of the good life.

For decades, one structured life choices around the criteria of minimization of social judgement. Clearly, life decisions had to be legible and socially reassuring to the populace. Others had to be structured, and the questions they posed were a mechanism for the individual to assess progress and set objectives even when they were vague and directionless.

Over time, I began feeling a growing unease with the disconnect between what I was pursuing and what I was experiencing. I was told that I was “on track” and I met expectations, and yet I was unable to shake the feeling that I wasn’t there yet. I was faced with the realization that my sense of satisfaction wouldn’t last, and the reassurance I sought was only providing a quick fix. It wouldn’t be long until I was hit with the next looming question,what is next?

This is not a tale of dramatic failure or an epiphany. I did not suffer a defeat that required a total re-evaluation of my beliefs. I learned, and this might be the most important thing, that the markers I used to describe my progress in life were out of touch with my reality, my feelings, my thoughts, and the life that I was living. While the disconnect may have been subtle, I assure you, it was always there, and it was a constant companion.

Marriage, money, and positions confer stability, opportunity, and status. They should not be construed as belonging, worth, or identity. A marriage is a partnership, and financial success is an outcome of self-discipline and the manifestation of personal worth. A position or a title is simply a statement of one’s socio-professional relevance. When these markers are absent, delayed, or God forbid, questioned, the absence itself should serve as a sufficient explanation.

This framework is even more restrictive for women. Marriage is still portrayed as an achievement that soothes the social order, regardless of whether it enhances one’s well-being. Professional success is encouraged, but it is often accompanied by unspoken demands for emotional labor, care giving, and presence. Ambition is praised, but only when it is non-competitive. Complying with these demands means negotiating at every turn. For so long, I have had to justify, give less of an answer to, and explain to people that I was not failing because my life was not perfectly coordinated. I was oblivious to the toll it took on me.

My recognition to this truth is long overdue. My fatigue stemmed from the exhaustion of embarrassment. Not yielding to the system is destabilizing. It is true that the system provides an uncomplicated method for measuring progress. Being compliant in an industrialized and comparison-driven society is easy. Sadness for the ‘me’ that thought she could reach the destination of fulfillment by simply lining the milestones. It was the ambiguity of the milestones that was the most melancholic. However, unexpected lightness was found in the absence of that self-imposed restriction to a life that is indexed against a collapsing system.

More profound signs of success emerged once I stopped constraining my measures of success to the title, money, and marriage frameworks. My own internal peace was an example of a success that became measurable, even if it was less obvious. Sustainable, rather than impressive and honest relationships instead of performance.

I noticed how success is framed as more responsibility, more recognition,and more endurance.It’s never framed as more discernment. It’s never framed as more critical of the facade of success. It’s never framed as being more critical of the framework that large swathes of society have to submit to, which engenders great discontent.

Re conception of success begins, not with an abandoning of aspiration, but with an inquiry into one’s aspirations. To what end? One must question not only what is experienced but what is sought. Do the attained goals reflect the individual’s beliefs, or do they just feed into the societal claims for validation, safety, or legitimacy?

This shift won’t grant the individual a problem-less life. It promises that the individual will be able to construct a life of authenticity. Success diminished the zeal for mere instrumental progress. Work becomes valuable, even in the absence of social recognition. Work becomes purpose. Work becomes the setting of a nourishing boundary to the soul.

This different understanding of success is often misunderstood, people focused on the micro dimensions of their life imagine a life of purpose. Focusing on personal subjective goals and aspirations is vague and articulated, yet many lives are complex.

The most salient of these changes is impact on my relationship with time. The absence of social time pressure on time made me feel relaxed. I no longer felt the need to measure my self worth against the ‘goals’ society set time frames. I also no longer engaged in purposeful activities to feel I was making progress.

This type of measuring progress is evidently a losing measure on the value market, because it is perceived as less noise. But ironically, less noise also means potential more valuable things, like change, rest, and re-evaluation, putting shift on the value in the priorities. It is a recognition the priorities can and should shift and don’t need justification.

Acknowledge the doubts, time is marked differently for each one of us and having social reference points can lead to a sense of anxiety when evaluating the relevance of time in your life. I feel your internal compass is the best guide to how you move in your life, and I am happy you feel that way.

I am learning that a life of value does not have to be valuable in a traditional sense. If it values the need to rest, self-agency, and promotes the belief that value is intrinsic, then it is valuable. This philosophy is not based on social reference points and external accomplishments, and it rests on the substance of life.

Marriage, money and job titles may have value, but they do not have the power to control how I value and measure my life. My measure of success is the opposite of most people’s definition. I have a sense of success when I have lived a life, that is honest, sustainable, and aligned internally. Success to me is not about moving in a constructive way as defined by the society or grabbing a recognition.

While changing my definition of success hasn’t simplified my existence, it certainly has added some needed clarity. I focused on coherence, not applause, presence, not performance,intention, not speed and I realized life can be meaningful and complete even when it is unconventional, difficult to define, and outside the norm of success. I now have clarity, and I have the confidence to step away from measuring success against the dictated norms of society. This is a success I can wholeheartedly embrace. It is a success that is subtle, not immediately evident, and challenging to measure, but my success is now aligned, definable, and obviously sustainable, providing me the confidence to carry it with my integrity intact.