I was the only woman in our design office – and somehow, also the only one who remembered birthdays. And organized the office treats. And kept the peace when egos flared. In Kenya, it’s called “being helpful.” Globally, it has a name: Emotional Labour – unpaid work that makes workplaces run smoothly, while quietly draining the women who do it.

The day I joined the firm, HR told me, “We’re a family here.” Team, would have sufficed.

Are we, though? Because the day the men decide to sabotage you, will they still be family?

In architecture, details are life and death. A misplaced beam, a missed dimension, a structural oversight; none of these care about the Architect’s ego. Yet whenever I pointed out design flaws that were easy to correct, I heard the same line: “Women, they overthink everything.” So I learned that a woman who sees a problem is the problem.

Meanwhile, the daily office mood management fell to me by default. When tempers rose, I calmed them. When the junior guys were lost, I guided them. When someone’s personal life spilled into the office, I soaked it up. Not a single task in my job description mentioned “Professional Peacekeeper.” But I was expected to do the invisible work that kept everyone else functional.

The Job Behind The Job

Emotional Labour is the glue that holds teams together. It’s remembering client preferences, absorbing tension, anticipating crises, making the space feel human. It’s the “How are you doing?” and the “Let’s sort this out.” It’s the birthdays and the energy and the voice of reason.

It is also unpaid, unmeasured, and mostly done by women.

Studies show women globally shoulder double to triple the workplace relationship management that men do – and none of it counts toward promotions or pay. Emotional Labour is “valued” only in the sense that everything falls apart without it.

The Sabotage Tax

It wasn’t just that emotional labour was expected. It was that my actual labour was constantly undermined.

Critical project information withheld from me, only to be blamed when something went wrong. Client meetings I wasn’t invited to, then scolded for being “out of the loop.” A contractor refused to speak to to one of the boys, so they sent me talk him down, because “you’re good with people.”

Men create the fire, women put it out, men get the credit for a “functional” team.

And HR? A spectator with a clipboard. When I flagged the behaviour, the refrain was always: “Try to build better relationships.” Translation: Fix them. Quietly.

The Tax Women Are Born Paying

Women are raised to be agreeable and nurturing; the ones who smooth things. In the workplace, that translates to a burden disguised as a compliment:

“You’re so approachable.”

“You’re so understanding.”

“You’re strong; you can handle it.”

“You’re like a mother to the team.”

Motherhood is noble. Mothering your co-workers is exploitation.

And some exploitation is shockingly open.

A well-known figure in Kenya’s construction industry recently said he prefers hiring married women in their 40’s because, “They’re out of circulation and not easily distracted by men. They have responsibilities, so they’ll keep the job.”

In other words: choose women who society has already restricted – then profit from the restriction. Pay them less. Assume they’ll endure more. Count on their limited options.

Even our “opportunities” are designed to cost us more.

The Impact Nobody Measures

Doing your job while holding up the workplace emotionally is exhausting. You end up:

• Burnt out while pretending you’re fine
• Working longer hours without recognition
• Receiving feedback about attitude instead of achievement
• Doubting your competence
• Questioning your career entirely

Some days I was furious. Some days I was tired. Some days I wondered if I was the problem. Most days? I cycled through all three before lunch.

That confusion is the point. It keeps women compliant.

This Isn’t Just My Story

Talk to women anywhere – Architecture, Banking, Healthcare, Media – and the pattern repeats.

One woman told me she spends more time managing doctors’ egos than patient files. Another is assigned irate customers because “mothers relate better.” A friend in tech said she was praised for “team spirit” but watched her male peers leapfrog ahead of her.

When emotional labour goes well, men are “free to focus.”

When it goes poorly, women are “too emotional.”

Heads they win; Tails we lose.

Workplaces Don’t Need Mothers; They Need Accountability

There’s nothing wrong with kindness at work. There is something wrong with expecting women to provide it for free while men do the “real” jobs.

Three changes would transform workplaces:

1. Track emotional labor tasks and compensate the invisible workload
2. Penalize exclusion and sabotage, not the women who report it
3. Distribute relational work fairly. Men must do their share of care

This is not a soft issue. Burnout costs money. Silenced women cost progress.

I’m Not Here To Be The Office Mother

I no longer aspire to be the one who remembers birthdays; unless I’m also remembered during promotion season. I refuse to babysit adult egos to earn a seat at the table I already poured work into.

Women aren’t asking for medals for making the workplace function.

We’re asking to stop paying a tax men don’t even notice exists.